This blog was written by Allison Olson. Being both an adoptee and an adoptive parent, Allison Olson has a unique perspective on the topic of adoption. She is an award-winning children’s adoption book author and her goal is to change the adoption narrative from the “lucky” child to the “loved” child. Allison lives in Oregon with her husband, two daughters, and their kitties named Bo and Aero.
Prior to adopting a child, it’s critical that all extended family members are prepared, excited, and educated about adoption.
You might think, “Why?” If my partner and I are ready, shouldn’t that be enough?
But if we put ourselves in our future child’s shoes, we will immediately realize how important it is to make sure that their soon-to-be extended family (e.g., aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins) are educated and excited about them being part of the family.
While many home studies require letters written from extended family members to ensure they are prepared, it’s good to assess that as a prospective or adoptive parent. Here are some things to ask yourself to see if your extended family is ready for you to adopt:
Are they excited and supportive?
Excitement and support from extended family during an adoption goes a long way. If there are things to work on with your family to help educate them on what to say and how to act, they will likely be more willing to change if they are excited about adding a child to the family through adoption.
Will the adoptee be treated the same as other biological kids in the extended family?
As an adoptee, I can attest that it’s important that adoptees are treated just like biological kids in the extended family, while still holding space to appreciate that they are adopted. Meaning to make sure that no family member introduces the cousin as “the adopted one,” but instead the child is just treated like any other cousin.
Likewise, an example of holding space to appreciate that they are adopted would be to listen if the child wants to talk about their birth family.
Does your extended family use current positive adoption language? If not, are they willing to learn and change?
Most people that are not currently part of the adoption community likely do not know positive adoption language, but it’s key that they are open and eager to learn.
In our case, my husband’s family did a ton of Googling and brought it all to me to ask what I thought. While I realize most families may not be going to that extreme, I think it’s good to have either one big conversation with the family or little private conversations around “what to say” vs. “what not to say” about adoption.
Here’s one idea: You can start a group text so that they can reach out if any questions come up. The other component to remember is that this language needs to be used whether the adoptee is present or not.
Is your extended family prepared to embrace becoming a transracial family?
If you are planning for a transracial adoption, make sure to know how your extended family truly feels. Race and culture are significant to one’s life and it’s imperative that all those around a child not only are “okay” with it, but also celebrate the child’s race and cultural heritage.
It’s not safe for a child to grow up with a family member that could be harmful, so be prepared to have serious discussions with your family and, worst case, distance yourself from family members that are not supportive of this decision. This is a great example of putting your child first.
Learn more about the author:
Website: www.ouradoptionbooks.com
Social Media: @kidsbooksbyallisonolson (Facebook, Instagram, TikTok)
