Although women who place a child through American Adoptions have the option of contact with their child for life, not everyone has had this opportunity. If your adoption was semi-open or closed (or if you simply fell out of touch), then you may not have had contact with your birth child or their adoptive family for years — until now.
So, how can you prepare for the first in-person meeting with your birth child, whatever age they may be?
Below, we’ll explore potential scenarios based on the age of your birth child. But first, we want to offer a few general pieces of advice for meeting your birth child for the first time:
Be Ready for Anything
Every situation is unique, as are the people involved in your adoption triad. Some adoptees are excited to meet their birth parents, while others have no interest (or may even feel resentment). Be ready to respect your birth child’s right to their own feelings about their adoption, even if they don’t match your own feelings.
These are all generally true for the first meeting, no matter what stage of life your child is in, so it may help you prepare knowing that:
- There may be some awkward moments.
- You may not feel a lot (or everything at once).
- You may or may not have a lot in common.
- They may or may not be interested in getting to know you.
We hate to say to prepare yourself for disappointment, but do try to keep in mind that not all meetings are fairy-tale perfect. Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes and understand the complex emotions they might have surrounding their adoption.
Hopefully, your first time meeting your birth child is a positive experience for all of you, and it’s something you’ll all want to continue building on!
A Few General Tips
Again, these tips are usually true for most situations:
- Don’t force it.
- Keep things light until you’re both more comfortable.
- Speak positively — your child may interpret negativity as negativity toward them.
- Pay attention to your child’s comfort level, and put their needs first.
It can be hard to rein in your own thoughts, feelings and needs as you prepare for this meeting, but try to center things around your birth child, in order to be mindful of their feelings, too.
Tips for Birth Children Meetings By Age
Meeting a Toddler-Aged Child
As you know, some toddlers are extremely friendly and open, while others can be very shy and reserved at first. If your toddler-aged child is nervous of you at first, don’t be discouraged! They’ll likely warm up with a little time.
At this stage, your child may be very clingy around his or her parents. For some birth parents, this can bring up different feelings — happiness, guilt, sadness or even jealousy.
Take this opportunity to get to know your birth child better. The best way to do that at this age is to talk to their parents! Ask your child’s parents about his or her likes and dislikes, favorite foods, daily routine, new games he or she likes to play, etc. They may be interested to hear what you were like as a toddler, too!
You might like to bring a little gift for your birth child for your visit. A small toy like a ball, a stuffed animal or a picture book is a good way to engage your child in play, and it’ll keep them happy and busy so you can catch up with their parents.
You could also bring along some photos of your child’s birth family members that the adoptive parents can show your child as he or she grows up.
Meeting an Older Child or Teenager
If your child is school-aged or a teenager, that first meeting can seem a little more scary. They’re old enough to have opinions and make decisions, and you understandably want them to view you positively.
As your child ages, he or she has started to explore their own feelings about their adoption. From between the time your birth child was very young until now, their level of interest in their adoption has probably either increased or decreased.
They may have a million questions for you, or they may not seem interested at all. Be ready for either scenario!
Answer any questions they may have honestly, but be mindful of their age when talking about complex or difficult aspects of your adoption story.
Again, don’t be discouraged if they don’t seem interested in talking with you much. Just let your child (and their parents) know that you’re available if they have questions or if they just want to talk. Keeping the door of communication open will likely mean more to them than you know. Then, it’ll be your child’s choice whether or not they want to walk through it, now or in the future.
Meeting an Adult Child
This is often the most nerve-wracking scenario for a birth parent. Your child has never really met you, and it’s been years since placement. You probably don’t know very much about one another.
Take things at their pace, and just focus on getting to know one another at that first meeting. You won’t be able to make up for lost time, but you can work on establishing a relationship now.
Make space for your birth child to talk about their thoughts and feelings, and try to listen without jumping in. Like you, they may have been wanting to say something important for a long time. Let them know that you embrace whatever they want to express.
Before your meeting, it can be helpful to talk to other birth parents who reunited with a biological child later in life, or talk to an adoption professional or counselor. That way, you’ll be able to prepare yourself emotionally and have a better idea of what to expect based on your individual situation.
Be sure to talk about the type of relationship you’d both like to have moving forward. Express your needs (as gently as possible) if you find that you’d like to have more or less frequent communication as your relationship continues.
Open Adoptions Allow You to Avoid that Big Meeting, Because You Never Say “Goodbye”
Today, 9 out of 10 birth parents choose to have an open adoption. If you’ve already placed your child for adoption and an open adoption wasn’t an option for you then, this information may feel like too little too late.
But if you’re pregnant and considering adoption, or if you’re a hopeful adoptive parent, American Adoptions encourages you to embrace greater openness in your adoption situation whenever possible. An open adoption allows birth and adoptive families to stay in contact for life. Your child will never have unanswered questions, they’ll never have to search, and there will never be a big, dramatic first meeting.
Sharing an open adoption may seem hard, but it’s worth the work. how much adoptees (as well as birth and adoptive parents) benefit from greater openness in adoption.
Even if you’ve already placed your child for adoption and you haven’t had much contact in the past, now is just as good a time as any to reach out and let them know you’re around if they ever want or need to talk. Maintaining connections between adoptees and their birth families isn’t always easy, but it’s important, and we commend you for making the effort!
Im meeting my birth daughter for the first time in 21 years.Im so nervous and I am cry all the time.I DONT know how to be strong, im afraid im going to look weak in front of her.With only a month to go on, what do I say?H0ow do i act?How am I suppose to be? Im so confussed
I recently met my son who I relinquished 33 years ago. Coming from a birth mom’s view. BE yourself. She is the one who is incredibly nervous. She is the one up for judgment. When I met my son, I went shopping to find the perfect outfit. I felt the need to show him the very best version of me. If she is agreeing to meet you, then all she should want is to the real you.
Be sure to think about what you are wanting to come out of this reunion. Do you see yourself continuing to have a relationship with her. Do not be scared to tell her how you feel about being adopted. Try to be understanding of her situation at the time for your adoption. Remember she is not the same person she was back then. She doesn’t need gratitude, she needs forgiveness and acceptance. Most likely she has always loved you and never forgot about you. It will take time to build a relationship, just communicate with each other. Make sure she knows what you are expecting from her.
These are things I wished my son had thought about and said to me. He is processing the whole experience right now and I am trying to give him space to do so. He is very resentful because I had another child about 18 months after him. However I was 16 at the time of his birth with no support. I am still with his father and we had another child 14 years ago. So he has 2 biological siblings. I went to visit his fiance and 3 year old son at the beginning of December. Since then I have not heard from him. Instead of calling or texting repeatedly, I am writing him letters and told him I would call on the 1st and the 15th of each month. In hopes he will answer. I remain hopeful but exceptionally grateful that I know him at all. I want him to tell me all the negative feelings he has going on now because if he doesn’t let them out, I’m afraid he will never be able to forgive me and we will not be able to move forward.
So by telling you my story, if your mother truly wants to know you, she will expect you to have many conflicting emotions. Share them with her and ask her how she feels. If you need time to process all of your emotions, let her know and talk to someone. You are entitled to your feelings and they are justified. Do not fear her rejection, because if she does, then I hate to say it, but you are better off without her. I am thankful just for the blessing and opportunity to know he is good. I try to remain hopeful and positive.
I wish you the best of luck and pray she will welcome this blessing with open arms. Just remember whatever her reasons, you have always been her child.
Know that your adopted child is nervous too.
I hear that you went out to get a new outfit.
I spent 33 years of my life trying to be “good enough” for them.
Always chasing the need to prove myself worthy… thinking that if I meet my bio parents… they may see me and reject me. Yes, adopted kids even as adults feel a deep sense of rejection and it is an inborn mother wound since birth. It’s actually a real trauma.
So, your whole life… you maybe be working to improve yourself to gain the sense of worthiness, and there is a great sense of fear when taking that step to stand in front of a birth parent.
What is they reject you? What if you aren’t good enough. What if you didn’t win enough medals in sports, what if you didn’t go to the right college. These are all real fears we have and we are nervous.
I met my bio parents and they both dumped a lot of emotions and information surrounding my birth and adoption I didn’t really care to know.
Just remember, even if your adopted child is an adult, they are still in the adult child role and your are the older parent… they aren’t looking for a friend that equally shares all their vulnerabilities because they probably knew when the great parents they had growing up, that that’s not a good thing to do as a parent.
Save those emotions for a friend or a spouse, not your child. Even if they are adults, all of their childhood memories and emotions are wrapped up in the idea of who you are, just don’t dump on them.
I met my bio parents and I stepped back. It was too much and I didn’t want to be burdened with their emotions… I have my own and I am the child.
How did it go? Did you guys meet at the end? Please tell me what happened I’m going through the same situation
My birth son reached out to me on Mother’s Day and wrote me a wonderful mail, we chatted for at least 3 hours (about random stuff) he said he will write the next day and he didn’t, I waited for three days, so I sent him a have a nice day quote and he replied two days later.
Now I sent a message two days ago, something really short, cause I don’t want to overwhelm him .
, I know he can see the message and hasn’t replied , but I found myself crying cause I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through this again, I mean if he said he wanted to talk often and I send I message, I would like a reply.
Should I give it more time? Did he only wanted a first conversation just like that? What should I do? I feel like I’m 17 again checking all my accounts to see if he wrote back, I understand how this all should be for him , but I don’t know how to react or expect
I hear whatare saying. They reach out for us then pull back. I understand why they do it but doesn’t make it any easier. Its like we have no say. All action is up to them.
I met my birth daughter 3 yrs ago. We met 2x and communicated via internet. She lived far away.. I don’t get any sign that she wants a relationship so I asked. She responded whatever I want.
Now she has moved 60 minutes from me. I still feel in limbo. I don’t even know if I introduce others that I have this daughter.
Have others been in this situation?
I am supposed to be meeting my adopted son today and I am scared to pieces. We have talked before but this is an in person meeting I want to do right but I’m not exactly sure what that is. He wants to meet my current family so I set up a restaurant with games so there are opportunities to play or talk. He is only passing through otherwise I offered a hotel room. Any thoughts?
I recently (3 months ago) discovered I have a daughter who is 28 years old. She found my brother and mom via 23 and me. My brother reached out to me to ask a few questions then asked did I want to share my information. I immediately said yes. As a background, her biological mother and I went to college together, I got married a few years later to another person, we never had kids and I divorced before I was 30, never got remarried, had kids & grew up with a blood brother, 2 half brothers and an adopted brother. I also immediately contacted her biological mother to get some answers. Her father was higher up in a local small town church and they “made her” go live with her sister in another town to have the baby and put the child up for adoption. I know this was a lot more common back when I was younger (70’s 80’s). She put her up for adoption after picking the parents, then actually stayed in that town for about 4 years. She then moved back home, got married and had another child. All of this was kept secret with her family.
Back to the shock and excitement once I found out. My immediate response was, is she ok, is she safe, did she have a good life, was she loved? Luckily it was yes for all of the above. She knew she was adopted at around 21 years old. She found her biological mother about a year before me, but she didn’t want to have anything to do with my daughter, nor would she tell her who I was. I am fortunate that my daughter knew I didn’t know anything and she still pursued finding me. We talk(text) daily and I have met her twice now and about to go see her again. Her adoptive mother (Mom) unfortunately passed away during the 3 months I have known her. But she looks it as this all happened for a reason. Her father was relieved when her biological mother didn’t want to be in her life, so she doesn’t want to tell him about me, understandably and I respect that.
I struggle with seeing all of her life in pictures and stories knowing I could have been there, with my lack of understanding why her mom never told me and how to handle it all. I do have a positive attitude towards her, her father, life and hope to be a part of it moving forward.
It has been an emotional roller coaster to say the least for me, but I am truly happy and hope for a happy time moving forward. I am in my 50s and only have her and my family to focus on. I am just so scared she is one day going to pull back and not want me to be there in her life.
Signed,
Drinking from the emotional fire hose
I reunited with my 51 year old birth son four years ago. I have met his family and he has met mine. I have two daughters and they are over the moon about their new ‘brother’. His wife and grown children are very warm and welcoming to me. We live in different states but text and call frequently. My question is this. How do I introduce him to other people? He had a great life with his adoptive parents but they are now deceased. I don’t want to disrespect his parents by introducing him as my son. If I introduce him as my birth son then privacy issues have to be considered. Please suggest the appropriate way to introduce him. Thank you.
I need advice on how to contact my biological mother and family. I have their phone numbers, but I don’t know how to introduce myself.
My parents that adopted me have been deceased for over 10 years. I am really excited about meeting my biological family. I hope this
will make my being feel complete. I have been waiting decades for the moment to meet them. Can someone from your organization,
please give me some advice. I appreciate your time and consideration.
This is a few months after your post but if you’re still looking for advice I’d be glad to give you my opinion on how to contact her. I turned 42 2 weeks ago and contacted my biological mother for the first time ever on my birthday so I understand exactly what you’re going through right now. Obviously I’m still figuring this whole thing out myself but so far things have gone better than I could have hoped for. Still I’m not sure where this will lead, what I want to happen, or what she wants to happen but for now we have decided to meet in person at the end of March. I’d actually like to talk to someone who is in a similar position bc I don’t think anyone that hasn’t gone through this can possibly understand how it feels. It’s this strange combination of euphoria excitement insecurity depression joy fear anxiety and just about every other possible emotion. For some reason now I can’t get past the fear that I’ll drive her away by saying the wrong thing. I’m overanalyzing every word in my texts. Terrified I’ll say the wrong thing or that she’ll get sick of me and move on. For example I grew up never all that interested in finding her, not sure why to be honest, and I never really fantasized about meeting her. It was only recently I decided to track her down. I told her all of this bc it’s the truth and now I can’t stop thinking that I might have hurt her feelings even though she has given me no reason to think that. How messed up is that? She gave me up (which was absolutely the right decision at the time), but then spent many years and lots of money trying to find me, and I’m scared I’ll push her away. Logically it makes no sense but it’s how I feel.
Well either way when I contacted her it went perfectly so I might be able to help with that much at least if you haven’t already done so. If you have I’d love to hear how it went and see if you’re feeling the same jumbled emotions as me. It’s certainly been a unique experience that I doubt many people can actually relate to. Until about a week ago I’d never once in 42 years even seen a picture of a person I was biologically related to. I can’t look at her picture without seeing myself and immediately crying my eyes out. Hope it all works out for you and I hope I get to find out the rest of your story.
I found out yesterday that DNA samples submitted by other family members matched with a woman seeking her birth father who had been stationed in the Philippines in 1983.
I was stationed there in 1983 and knew immediately that I was the person she was seeking. I reached out to her last night and exchanged text messages with her for the next 4 hours. The realization that I had a daughter that I had never met was a lot to process and I laid in bed thinking about it for hours before falling asleep. When I woke up this morning my emotions finally caught up with me. I was thinking of how she must have felt as a little girl not knowing who her parents when an enormous wave of guilt and shame swept over me for not not being there for her for all these years. I never knew of her existence and would have taken responsibility if I had known, but that is no excuse for what she had to have gone through. She told me the night before that she was afraid that I wouldn’t accept her and now I don’t know how to make up for the pain that I have caused her. I will never abandon her and will be here for her from now on, but I sense that there must be a lot of anger inside her that will come to the surface eventually and rightfully so, and need some advice on how to be here for her and how to respond when it does in a way that validates her feelings and helps us move forward together.
My husband of 26 years found out he has a 26 year old daughter. He knew it was a possibility but wasn’t sure. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. He has a daughter and I a son and daughter from previous marriages. We never had children together. Since his daughter found out they are rushing to meet her while in the meantime we are moving to a different state, starting new jobs and finding a house. I was upset to find they picked my birthday to meet the newly found daughter. They told me I didn’t have the right to be hurt and that this was more important than my birthday.
I feel robbed that we didn’t have children together. I also feel like I was lied to because it sounds like this one night stand knew my husband was the father all these years. He told me it was between 3 different men.
I should also add that my husband and his daughter picked this date. My husband never told me until my stepdaughter told me.
I feel like the family I have created is breaking. My husband and daughter say they should go to meet her first. And then let us see if she wants to meet me and my children, by the way they are all over 30 years of age.
Part of me can understand meeting her alone but the other part is saying they are tearing apart the family we have built.