As much as expectant parents say they just want a healthy, happy baby, many people have at least some desire for a specific gender — a little boy or girl. For these people, the 20-week sonogram can be an exciting moment.
But, sometimes, expectant parents don’t get what they’re hoping for. Rather than being over-the-moon about their baby’s gender, they may even feel a little disappointment and heartbreak at the news. Perhaps, they may even think to themselves, “I don’t want my baby after finding out the gender.”
Gender disappointment is a real thing, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, before you move forward with any life-changing decisions, it’s important to understand exactly where your emotions are coming from and what they mean.
Remember, you can always receive free, non-obligatory counseling about your pregnancy options when you call 1-800-ADOPTION.
Gender Disappointment is Real — but Misconstrued
When you’re thinking, “I don’t want my baby after finding out the gender,” you are experiencing something called gender disappointment. Well, more accurately, you’re experiencing “sex disappointment,” because a baby’s gender is not necessarily defined by genitalia. But, for many people, seeing the less-desired genitalia on the sonogram screen makes them think they have to grieve the image of the little girl or boy they constructed in their head.
Gender disappointment is valid, but it’s also a concept based on outdated gender roles and expectations. For example, a woman may wish to have a little girl she could dress in ribbons and braid her hair — but not all girls are extremely feminine. Think about this: What if the little girl or boy you had wanted ended with a different personality than you imagined? You would still love them, despite the fact that they didn’t meet your own gender-expected ideas of them.
Before you start thinking, “I don’t want my baby after finding out the gender,” think about what you are really upset about here. Were you dreaming about a future that may not even come to be? If you wished for a boy and found yourself having a girl, can’t you still do the things you imagined you would with your boy — going camping, playing sports, and more?
Just like everyone else, children aren’t confined by gender roles. Consider whether your gender disappointment stems from these expectations, and you may find your worries are unfounded.
But, What If You Really Don’t Want Your Baby?
When you think about the possibilities and considerations, you may find that your feelings of gender disappointment are temporary. For most parents, the grief of mourning the image in their head is quickly replaced by the new vision they have for their child. After all, if they really wanted to be parents, they find out that the gender really doesn’t matter — just having a healthy, happy baby does.
But, for some people, this gender disappointment doesn’t always fade. In some cases, it’s cultural; certain cultures value one gender over the other. In other cases, it’s personal; parents (often men but not always) want to “continue their bloodline” and family name with a boy who looks like them.
In other situations, gender disappointment is simply an expression of a larger unwillingness to parent a child in general. Those who are worried about raising a child themselves, but are afraid to admit it, may instead explain their feelings away with, “I don’t want my baby after finding out the gender,” rather than a simple “I don’t want my baby.”
If you are having these thoughts, you are not a bad person. Parenting is a great responsibility, and it’s okay if you are not fully prepared for that responsibility at this moment. You always have options.
Choosing Adoption After Finding Out Your Baby’s Gender
If you are thinking, “I don’t want my baby after finding out the gender,” know this: There is someone out there who will love and cherish your baby, regardless of whether he or she is a boy or girl. If you can’t provide the unconditional love you want your baby to have, you can always place them for adoption with a family who can.
At American Adoptions, our specialists are here to support you no matter what. We understand the complexities of gender disappointment, especially in otherwise difficult situations, and you never have to feel guilty about considering adoption because of it. We have worked with women in many different situations, who have chosen adoption for many different reasons, and we can work with you, too.
If you are thinking about adoption because of gender disappointment, we encourage you to reach out to our adoption specialists at 1-800-ADOPTION. They can counsel you through your decision, including your reasons for choosing adoption and your feelings about your baby’s gender, to help you choose the right path for you. You are never obligated to choose adoption by contacting our agency, but you will always receive free, professional counseling if you do.
American Adoptions and its specialists will always be here to support you through any complicated feelings you have regarding your baby’s gender, both before and after your 20-week sonogram. For those thinking, “I don’t want my baby after finding out the gender,” know that there are options. By choosing adoption, you will give your child a life full of love and opportunity with parents who are fully prepared to raise a child — whether your baby will be dressed in pink or blue.
I am currently going through gender disappointment, actually gender devastation to me.
Hi, Erin — We know this can be a hard time. Have you shared your feelings with a trusted loved one, or spoken with a counselor or therapist? This article also might help: https://www.parents.com/getting-pregnant/gender/prediction/the-boy-girl-blues-dealing-with-gender-disappointment/
Remember, if you are considering placing your child for adoption, you can always call our specialists anytime at 1-800-ADOPTION. Best of luck to you during this difficult period.
I didn’t really want a child, I just didn’t want to die alone. (My husband us 20 years older than me) I wanted a girl because men suck. The last thing this world needs is another privileged white male penis. I do not want a boy. At all. It doesn’t deserve to come out of my body. My husband doesn’t know this. He was very adimate that he just wants it to be healthy. I’m so lost.
Hi, Rachel-
We encourage you to call 1-(800) 236-7846 or contact us here: https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/free_info
It’s confidential to request information about adoption, and you’re under no obligation to continue with an adoption plan. We understand that you’re in a tough spot, and not sure what to do. You may benefit from learning about how you and your husband can choose adoption together: https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/birth_father_is_supportive
Or, if you feel it’s what’s best in your situation, you can choose adoption apart: https://www.americanadoptions.com/pregnant/birth_father_isnt_supportive
Feel free to reach out if you just need to talk and explore your options. In the meantime, we’ll be sending you good thoughts as you navigate this difficult situation!
I’m a mom of two boys and just had my gender ultrasound. Since I was 14, I’ve wanted a girl. I’ve dreamed of matching outfits, taking her out for a day at the salon, singing Disney princess songs and most especially buying all the beautiful pink outfits and accessories at the stores. I am almost 37 and know this is my last child. I found out I was having a 3rd boy. My husband wanted a girl, my other boys wanted a baby sister and I am devastated! I convinced myself to get pregnant one more time in the hopes of having my daughter after years of fighting because I knew I’d be crushed if I had another boy. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve never felt this pain before and it’s like I’m grieving the loss of my baby girl when I never even had one. I feel guilty because I feel as though I will not love this boy the way he deserves. Adoption has crossed my mind because I want someone to be able to take care of him. Advice??
Hi Mandy — We know this can be a hard time. Have you had a chance to talk to a loved one or a counselor about how you’re feeling? If you are considering placing your baby for adoption, we encourage you to fill out our free information form to speak with an adoption specialist.