Becoming a grandparent is a status many parents hope to achieve someday. You long to see your child look at their child like you’ve looked at them for years. You pray you raised them right, so they can teach their children all you’ve taught them. You look forward to watching your children become the parents you knew they could be.
But what happens when your child makes the decision to choose adoption for their child?
This may be your first grandchild. Adoption is emotional and can be overwhelming for everyone involved. Birth grandparents often feel conflicted — their support and love for their child may be at odds with the fear of the unknown of the adoption process. This is normal.
Before you can help your child during the adoption process, you need to come to terms with your own feelings. It is okay to be sad and to grieve the upcoming changes in your child’s life, as well as your own.
One way to help you manage your emotions during this confusing time is to seek counseling. There are many support groups dedicated to families going through the adoption process, including birth grandparents. Find a group or individual counselor who can help you work through the potential feeling of loss you may have for your grandchild. After you have come to terms with your emotions, you can begin to focus on helping your child during this time.
Take time to educate yourself on modern open adoption. Rarely are domestic infant adoptions closed. Your child’s adoption agency can walk you through the entire process so you know what to expect; the adoption specialists at American Adoptions are always available at 1-800-ADOPTION. Go with your child when they visit the adoptive family. Get to know them so you can feel comfortable knowing your grandchild will be with a very loving and grateful family. Nurturing this relationship will allow you to keep in touch and be in your grandchild’s life for as long as you like.
Watching your child choose adoption for your grandchild can be difficult. But you should also take solace in the fact that they are showing such bravery and love in choosing a wonderful home for their child. With open adoption, this is not where your birth grandchild’s story ends. It is only the beginning.
Is there a site for birth grandparents to put there information, so that when their grandchild is looking for birth family that they could find them. My only grandson, only grandchild, was adopted in California. I am now having health issues and would love to be able to see him at least one time before I pass. Can you help me in any way?
My grandchild was adopted but I don’t know if it was an open adoption or not how do I find out please. I’d like to be able to have some sort of contact with her. Help me please! buddingtontami@gmail.com
Hi, Tami- You would need to speak with the person who placed the child for adoption. Nine out of ten modern adoptions are open, but the birth parents are the ones who decide if they’d like to have post-adoption communication within the relationship.
My grandchilden ages 7 yrs and 4 years were just adopted. Both parents had their parental rights terminated. I have been involved in their lives since birth. They spent a lot of time with my husband and me at our home. We felt we weren’t young enough or in the best of health to adopt them. We felt they deserved a younger more active family. The state the adoption occurred in is a closed adoption state. We had met the foster family, went to lunch, met up when we had visitations,exchanged texts and answered questions, let them know we wanted some contact still and would abide by whatever rules and boundaries they wanted. We didn’t want to undermine them, we didn’t want daily contact or even weekly.The many articles I read about Adoptees , there seemed to be a common thread about where their birth family went. The day the adoption was final, the adopters decided no family contact. There were no goodbyes allowed. My 7 year old grandchild knows us. She knows her aunts and cousins, more so than my 4 year old grandchild. How can the adopting family feel it’s in the kids best interest to be cut off from those of us that were their comfort through all these years? I am beyond heartbroken and I’m now feeling that the kids would have been better off with us.My hope is,in time, the new family will allow visits with us. Until then, I am writing letters and creating photo albums for them to have when they are no longer minors.
MJ, I totally understand what you’re going through. This is very similar to what my husband and I are going through.
I do try to find a reasonable explanation for what the adopters are doing. I try to chalk it up to the new parents insecurities.
In our case 2 of our daughters childrenn, ages 2 & 3 years old along with a newborn that is the sibling to the others.
It seems like it is the mom that is the one having the problems. I can’t believe that they wanted to adopt 3 kids under the age of 3, that is just suicide.
My husband and I took the older 2 in for 10 months while they were in foster care and with no help from anyone, now the new parents won’t even let us take them to the park or McDonalds or something. My question is, WHAT are they afraid of? This is all such a slap in the face and shatters my heart into a million pieces. I pray and pray that the newbies come to their senses. These new parents have a huge family and are all about it. My biggest fear is that the children will forget about us.
I hope to God not. The children later in life may come back and ask them why they didn’t get to see us much I wonder what their answers will be.
MJ,
How are things now? Were you and your husband finally allowed some contact with your Grandchildren? My husband and I are going through a similar scenario. My daughter and her husband will more than likely lose their parental rights. We have three grandchildren ages 6, 5 and 2. My sister and her husband have been helping with 2 children, us with one. We have been caring for them for 9 months now. My sister has stated that they can no longer help after May. My husband and I love our grandchildren dearly, but like you all, feel like they would be better with younger parents. We are being pressured to take Durable Legal Custody of the children. My sister wants them adopted out. I am not sure open adoptions can be arranged through CPS and the foster care system. I am going to speak to a Family Attorney next week with my concerns.
My first grandchild was born today. My heart feels empty. I am deeply saddened I will never hold him. I know he is going to a wonderful family with lots of love. I still feel extremely sad. I would’ve adopted myself, but I have extreme health issues (brain tumor). I knew I wouldn’t be able to provide a stable home now. I’m 42. Hopefully there will more more grandchildren in my future.
Hey Tonya. I read your post. I have 5 grandkids. My sons girlfriend is due In November. They are unable to provide and raise this child. They have chose to let a couple adopt the baby. My heart as yours is breaking. How have you dealt with it. Im thankful the couple doesn’t live in our town. This is not a good feeling. The next couple months are gonna be hard. I’m not able to raise another child. I have health problem. You are in my thought. Sandy.
My great grand daughter is in the process of a “open adoption” I’m pulled on what my relationship with my gg daughter lm a grandma that is very close and active with all my other grand children. If I buy gifts, take her to park or even to fastfood restaurant do I buy for her other siblings as well. And should I try or expect a close relationship with her siblings. Im willing to open my heart to them all. But, I don’t want to invade their personal space. Please help I’m so torn.
Hi, Deborah — It sounds like you may benefit from an adoption support group or an adoption counselor. This article may help you find the support you need: https://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/where-to-find-adoption-support-groups/ Every open adoption is different, so we encourage you to first speak with the birth mother to determine what her desires are for her open adoption relationship.
Our first grand baby was adopted by a very loving family, in an open adoption. He is now almost 3 months old. We spent his first month visiting him daily in the hospital, prior to his adoption, so we are very attached. The adoptive parents have been great, sending emails and pictures, and have said they are open to an annual visit. My question to others is, when friends or acquaintances ask if we have.any grandchildren, we plan to say yes. Otherwise it would feel as if we were denying his existence. But I’m looking for a succinct reply, that indicates he was adopted by another family. I don’t necessarily want to get into any long explanations, especially with someone who doesn’t know our family story. Any suggestions?
Hi, Pat — Sometimes the simplest explanation will be sufficient. If you feel like mentioning his adoption is necessary, simply say “But our daughter/son placed him for adoption with another family.” If you feel comfortable saying so, mentioning that you have an open adoption relationship with him may help prevent negative comments or questions. And, if you don’t want to launch into long explanations, saying something like, “We’d like to protect our son’s/daughter’s and grandson’s privacy, so can we talk about something else?” should shut down unwelcome questions and comments.
I just tell them yes, I have a granddaughter and 2 great grandchildren who live in Texas. I’ve found that’s all I need to say. My granddaughter is grown and we communicate often. She is the biological child of my daughter.
We live in Texas, our granddaughter’s Mother never wanted her, and our son, did not either. He took the older brother and sister, but elected to not take her. CPS gave us custody when she was a month old, she is now 12. She has asked why they did not want her, and everything else. We have been her parents and all they do is hurt her, both physically and emotionally, so we keep her away from them, and she doesn’t want to see them anymore. However, they refuse to sign anything to allow us to adopt her. The hospitals have even documented the emotional abuse, but we lack either of their signatures to adopt her , and she do not want to be associated with them anymore. Our hands are tied, but we are glad to have her. She has anxiety, and depression over those issues. We do not ask for anything from them, her older brother visits us and understands, all she ever asked for from them was to visit, be a part of the family for every birthday, Christmas and summer, but she ask us to come and pick her up because they abuse her within the first two days. She has undergone heart surgery, and they never visited, she has the effects of her mothers drug use, and she is fed up now, but our hands are tied, and we want to adopt her. She’s very mannerable, polite and tries hard.
Hi, there — This sounds like a complicated situation. We encourage you to reach out to a local adoption attorney for personalized guidance and advice on potentially adopting your granddaughter. You can search for a qualified attorney here: https://adoptionart.org/find-an-attorney/attorney-directory/#!directory/map/ord=lnm Best of luck!
I am looking for my grandson , not sure of the age, just would to love to hear or see him picture is fine. I don’t want to uproot him from the lovely family that gave him a good home. I just found out about this. I know he’s down south somewhere. But he my grandson. Thank you. Parents last name potter/haddon
My biological granddaughter her father my son died before she was born.my granddaughter was adopted by her real mother’s causin.because the biological mother couldn’t take care of my granddaughter. The adopted mother died. Who has more rights to have the child. The biological grandmother or the adopted mother, mother?